Lost in Loneliness
by chatnoir
Summary: SVR; angst; Quasi-post The Telling. Vaughn first noticed the glow when she entered the room twenty-five minutes ago. Her face was alight. He felt a knot form and tighten in his stomach. She had found someone. A someone to replace him. (complete)
1. prologue

Lost in Loneliness  
Author: chatnoir  
Disclaimer: the characters aren't mine.  
Rating: PG/ PG-13  
Summary: Quasi-post The Telling. But it doesn't really focus on that at all. What happens when Sydney is lonely?  
  
  
thanks to **angelbleu** for looking it over. 

Err… this was originally started in August… hehe… and it's still not done… just beware… it has been on hold for a while… I'm gonna try and finish this fic up over the holiday break… so, bear with me. :P

  
  
Prologue  
  
Vaughn first noticed the glow when she entered the room twenty-five minutes ago. Her face was alight. He felt a knot form and tighten in his stomach. She had found someone. A someone to replace him.  
  
After the two years she had been missing, it just seemed like the next logical step—for her to move on. He was married. He had a wife, one he would never and could never love as much as Sydney, but one he had vowed to stay with for the rest of his life. His hands were tied. He was stuck where he was. Life had moved on when she wasn't there. She wasn't there to witness any of it. And she felt lied to, betrayed, devastated.  
  
Although it had torn their hearts to stay away from each other, they had kept their secret tragedies from one another. After the anger she felt, after the betrayal, something had to stay a constant. She was still angry at him for giving up on her, but she rationalized where he stood. Hadn't she done the same thing to Danny? So she had forgiven him. She had decided that they had to just stay friends. That they had to ignore the deep fire of passion and love for one another. They may have succeeded in appearances, but never in their thoughts.  
  
She still dreamt of him. Still felt his arms around her when she woke up in the morning. And she still thought of him, analyzed everything about him, and catalogued it. She was in love with him then, now, and forever. But she couldn't let him know that. It would destroy all the rules that dictated their friendship now. And she couldn't let go of that one last bond she shared with him. But she was still lonely.  
  
They were truly the best of friends, always confining in one another their deepest secrets or what they were feeling. Weiss had said once that it felt like they had never split. And that they still acted like an old married couple despite the fact that there were no more kisses, no more hugs—even if they were for comfort, no more talks about the past when they were together. _If only that were true Weiss,_ Vaughn had thought.  
  
They both harbored thoughts about how much happier they were when they were together five years past.  
  
Now, it was three years past the day Sydney had been cleared from her KIA label. Three years past the day a particular star on the wall had been effaced. Three years since she came back… and he still loved her more than he loved his wife.   
  
Or ex-wife as it was now. They had divorced a year back. He couldn't concentrate on his family when his heart belonged to someone else. He had stayed longer at work than at home, just to stay and watch Sydney. He had felt guilty, but his married life wasn't as exciting, as novel as it was before when there was still some lust. But Sydney and he still couldn't be together, even though it had been a year. They were both too raw emotionally, their hearts full of desolation.   
  
He wanted to be with her every single day, every single minute, every single second. He loved her with all his heart and soul. When she wasn't besides him, he was whipped back to the two years without her. He let himself believe that they could go slow. Start again with the friendship and respect and then slowly grow into a romantic relationship again.  
  
But she had managed to replace him with another man. 


	2. Liana's Mistake

A/N: completely unbetaed and I was too lazy to read it over. so... if there's a mistake... just tell me. just remember that I'm spoiler free!   
  
thanks to **gabs** for the name of Vaughn's ex-wife. 

  
Thanks to:

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alias4ever: hmm… not directly yet, no ;) thanks for reading!

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Likethestory: I'm glad you enjoy it! And of course I will continue it. I don't like letting things hang.

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star16: yay! If you're enticed, then what can I say? My job as an author is complete ;) thanks for reading

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valley-girl2: hehe. Yes, I guess you do have 2 WIPs to hound me on. Still have too much coffee in your system? ;) hehe. Why do I have this feeling that you're going to be keeping me on my feet with updates? Actually, this story isn't Lauren… it's another person… which you guys don't get to know the name of until chapter 2. Hehe. Yes, let's make Vaughn suffer a tiny bit more. Not too much though… otherwise he'll die of a broken heart. Hehe… still at home? ;) are you bags still… packed? Hehe… calc. Ahh! I'm going to die! Oh well. I saw LotR yesterday… so, I'll be ok… until I see my grade. Sigh. I bet it's the grade I don't want. Heh.

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Brynne: hehe… well… I guess we'll see if it matters or not ;) welcome back to another roller coaster story. 

  
**please keep in mind that this was written in the summer of 2003**

  
  
  
**Chapter 1—Liana's Mistake**  
  
  
  
Their relationship had only gotten stronger when Sydney had found out that Vaughn's wife had left him. With a two-year-old daughter.   
  
Before, they had been avoiding one another, but talking just enough so they kept the appearance that they were still good friends. Enough to evade any extra visits to the dreaded shrink's office. But after she found out about Vaughn's situation, she started stopping by the house, in order to see how Vaughn was doing after hours. Sometimes even making dinner while Vaughn and she talked. She was also always available to babysit Liana whenever Vaughn had a late night meeting with Kendall. [_ "Hey Syd, it's me again. I need a favor. Can you watch over Liana again? I have a late night meeting with baldy again._]  
  
When Vaughn's wife left him, she just disappeared one day. And yet, he had no desire to even find her. Renee had dropped Liana off at the babysitter's that day, like any other day, and disappeared. Vanishing into the large populous of the world. The only reason he felt any guilt was because Liana would never know her mother.   
  
But that didn't matter as much anymore either; the guilt had languidly ebbed away. [_"Vaughn, don't feel guilty. You weren't the one who left. She did. You have a daughter who loves you more than anything. Do **not** feel any guilt for her actions!"_] The two-year-old had found someone to replace her missing maternal figure. From the moment Sydney had picked her up, Liana had come to accept her and love her.   
  
They truly loved each other. Sydney and Liana could play hide and go seek for hours on end. Sometimes he would also join them. [_ "Liana! Let's go find your father. Now where is that funnyman hiding?" _] In the end, Liana would be the one to win, always finding the two adults. When it was Liana's bedtime and after her adamant refusal to sleep, Sydney would be there to read her some of the books she picked up from the library just for his baby girl.   
  
[_ "Autie Syddy. Rwead!"  
  
"Sure, honey. What do you want me to read tonight?"  
  
"Go Dawggies."  
  
"Go, Dogs, Go?"  
  
Liana nodded her head vigorously, her eyes bright with anticipation. _]  
  
And if the baby still refused to sleep, she'd make her repeat the alphabet. Liana had been only two and a half when she learned how to recite the alphabet and was capable of reading a few words.   
  
[_"A B C D E F G…."  
  
"Fantastic job, sweetie! Keep going. Show your daddy how much Aunt Sydney taught you."  
  
"H I J K L M N O P Q R…"  
  
She always stopped there. Just to think things over.  
  
"Keep going! You know what's next. What is that animal that slithers?"  
  
"S!" and she'd always say that letter with such glee. Happily giggling to herself. Perhaps because of the funny tingle on the tip of the tongue whenever that letter was said.  
  
"What's next? Is that it? What else has your Aunt Sydney taught you? What comes next? I know you know it! Syd's a great teacher."  
  
"T U V W X Y…"  
  
"One more, sweetheart!"  
  
"Z!"   
  
"Fantastic job! I knew you could do it! You're daddy's little girl right? And daddy loves you."  
  
Then Liana would erupt into more giggles, and Sydney and Vaughn would tuck her into bed. Hoping that she'd fall asleep._]  
  
All the credit had to be given to Sydney. He would never be able to live without her. And he still had no idea how he'd managed those two years alone.  
  
Vaughn continued to stare at a picture of Sydney reading to Liana in his photo album. His daughter's brownish blonde hair tied up in braided pigtails, which he'd learned how to do himself. The child's emerald T-shirt accenting her emerald eyes. And her jean shorts peeking out from under the fabric of the long T-shirt. He'd come home from work an hour ago and had picked up his now three-year-old daughter from the babysitter's.   
  
She was resting in her room, pillows surrounding her small frame, and he was sitting by her bed in a rocking chair. He didn't know how to tell her that Syd wouldn't be able to take care of her tonight when he had a meeting. He thought of all the possible questions that she might ask, _Does she have a lot of work to do too? Did she find another baby? Does she still love me? Where is she?_, and the temper tantrum that might occur. _I want Auntie Sydney! I want Auntie Sydney!_ He didn't know how to explain to her that Sydney just didn't have time tonight because she had a date.  
  
A date.   
  
And that word left a bad taste in his mouth.  
  
He had a feeling that Liana was part of the reason why Syd had gone and found herself a boyfriend. He'd been there when another kid had come up to Liana and asked who her mother was. Liana had been extremely confused at first.   
  
[_ "A mother? I don't have a mother?"  
  
"You don't have a mother?" the other kid taunted. "Everyone has a mother!"  
  
"I don't," Liana's eyes had gotten watery.  
  
"Do you even know what a mother is, you baby?"  
  
Vaughn had been about to interrupt the conversation, but a kid on a bike had raced in front of him, throwing him a few seconds behind. Sydney was right behind him, not wanting Liana to cry.  
  
Pause.  
  
"You know. A big girl that takes care of us. She plays with us, reads books to us, tucks us in at night? And loves us?"  
  
"Oh! I have a mommy then! Right over there!"  
  
Vaughn froze. Liana was pointing at Sydney.  
  
And Sydney had a horrified expression on her face. He could tell that she was compartmentalizing. Distancing herself._]  
  
That had only happened three days ago. And then Sydney came into the office and told him that she'd met someone so she wouldn't be able to look after Liana tonight.  
  
Nothing fit correctly.  
  
An uneasy feeling sat in his stomach.  
~tbc~ 


	3. Broken Glass

A/N: sorry I've taken so long… I think I'm brain dead. But hey, at least I got some of my college applications done right? Hehe. 3 more to go. :D and I'm heading to Monterey tomorrow… so… it's not likely you guys will be getting a new chapter anytime soon. Blame my boss, then blame my parents. 

thank you to **demon** for betaing! she's the best.

Thank you to:

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valley-girl2: hehe.. I wish I have coffee right now… I still have 2 more hours to go for the countdown. Ugh. Boring. lol. Just get everything washed… and then pack up again for school right? I hate the process myself. Lol… you haven't put away… okay.. so you hopefully have by now… considering… it's almost 10 days after… whatever the EX is? Hehe… whatever… not whoever? Interesting way of putting it. Yeah… it was renee, I just totally forgot I dropped it in that chapter. It's been way too long. I don't even remember what this chapter is about. :) I'm glad you like Liana. She's such a sweet little girl. And not at all.. err… spoiled like other kids are. (I hope you guys read it as such). You love and hate the flashback? Really. That's the first I've heard… other people liked the flashback (the sugary sweetness of it). Lol… Vaughn will suffer for one more chapter. I'm trying to conclude this fic as fast as I can… which means re-plotting things. Hehe. Thanks for reading and for these awesome replies.

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Glittering Pegasus: okay… you're sandpiper right? ::cringes:: sorry if I was completely wrong… I'm glad you like this fic! Hehe… I'm not particularly fond of some season 3 fics… the ones that go overboard and resolve things way to fast… those I can't stomach. Hehe. Thanks for reading

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Brynne: no… Sydney found someone because she realized that she needed to stop hoping and to start moving on… She doesn't want to be attached to Vaughn anymore because he needs to be the one to make the first move. It'll be explained later. Thanks for reading

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alias4ever: I'm glad you like Liana. Thanks for reading

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follow-ur-dreams: of course this will be S/V. It can't possibly be anything else! I'm a huge S/V shipper. I can't stand it when syd is with someone else or if vaughn is with someone else. Thanks for reading

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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE may all your wishes and dreams come true. Best of luck! :D

  
  
Chapter 2—Broken Glass  
  
He had caught a glance at the man who had taken Sydney away from him. It had been a month since she had told him about her date. He had been going for an afternoon run while Liana was at the babysitter's. Since the JTF center was located near the park, he'd thought it was the perfect opportunity to work off some of his boredom.   
  
Sydney had just opened a car door and was about to sit in the passenger seat when the other man had pulled her in by her hip for a quick kiss.  
  
The man had dark brown hair and was roughly the same height as himself. As the man turned around, Vaughn soon discovered that the man had piercing blue eyes and a growing belly, obviously from not exercising enough.   
  
Vaughn felt his blood start racing and his heart drop to his stomach. An overwhelming rush for queasiness overcame him. He already knew that this other man was not good enough for her. No one was, not even himself. She was too perfect. But why was she going out with someone that was in no way a match for her?  
  
And he loved her so much. Didn't she know that?  
  
His thoughts threw him back to the two years she had been missing, when he searched night and day, nameless country after nameless country. He traveled the world trying to find her.   
  
And he had failed.  
  
[_"Sydney!"  
  
He awoke with a start. The tingling sensation at his lips told him that he had been the one to yell her name with such force.  
  
He looked at his digital alarm clock. 47:47.  
  
What?   
  
He blinked again.  
  
47:47  
  
He stared at it, a minute rolling away.  
  
Blink.  
  
4:48 AM._]  
  
He felt like a voyeur, watching the woman he loved sit in another man's car and drive off to the west. He stayed there, contemplating the spot where the car had disappeared in the distance, the shadows around him growing in length.   
  
[_He sat up in bed, the sheets around him drenched in cold sweat. He reached up to flick on the bedside drawer lamp.  
  
"Merde!"  
  
He felt the warm sticky liquid drip down his finger.   
  
Using the other hand, he switched the light on.  
  
There was glass on his bedside drawer. He started looking for a different origin than the one he suspected. He already had a feeling he knew where it was from the moment he cut his finger. But he wanted to stay in denial for a little while longer.  
  
The photograph frame, the same one he had given to Sydney as her Christmas present.   
  
He had placed a picture of himself and Sydney in there, the only picture they had ever taken together.   
  
The shattered glass was centered around Sydney's face.   
  
"Sydney," he had gasped, choking back tears of sorrow._]  
  
The sound of a distant dog bark woke him up from his trance and brought him back to his surroundings.  
  
He slowly started to jog back to the JTF center.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Once he had changed out of his jogging gear and into his professional suit and tie, he went back to the paperwork pile that was starting to grow on his desk. Most of it was related to the mission Sydney had just gotten back from earlier this morning. She had gone to Afghanistan to retrieve some information that the CIA needed, something to do with terrorism, again.   
  
Afghanistan, another country he had gone to search for her when she had been missing. When he had tried to keep his role as her guardian angel. When he had failed once again.  
  
[_He picked up his father's watch, already knowing what he would find.  
  
It was ticking again.  
  
What the hell was happening?_]  
  
"Agent Vaughn," Jack's voice boomed through his thoughts which had once again meandered from work. "We have an emergency meeting. Debrief again. You might want to tell the babysitter that you're going to be late again."   
  
Jack had warmed up to Vaughn during the two years Sydney went missing. After countless nights of seeing Vaughn in pain and grief, he had gone as far as to encourage Vaughn to move on. When Vaughn had gotten to the point where he thought he had moved on, and found Renee as a replacement, he had practically asked Jack to allow him to move on and tell him that it was all right to get married.   
  
Jack felt much of the burden of guilt when his daughter had come home to find the man she loved married to someone else.  
  
"I can't. She said she had a class tonight at eight."  
  
Jack stayed silent, wondering if he should even approach the idea growing in his mind. He decided to try. "Can you call Sydney?"  
  
"Jack, you know I can't." The pain in the younger agent's eyes told Jack all he needed to know.  
  
"Why don't you go to the meeting? Tell Kendall I'll be there in a few minutes." Without waiting for a reply, Jack left towards his office.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Jack arrived a few minutes late to the meeting, claiming the empty seat next to Vaughn.   
  
He leaned over and told Vaughn, "Don't worry. Sydney's looking after Liana."  
  
Vaughn pulled back, his eyes wide and full of amazement. Sydney was looking after Liana. _What if Liana does something Sydney doesn't like? What if Liana calls her mom?_  
  
But he knew deep in his heart that Liana should have been Sydney's anyway. Sydney would take care of her, like she did before… before she found a boyfriend. Before he lost her, before he lost his chance.   
  
[_He looked up at the calendar.  
  
October 1st.  
  
He should have known.   
  
First the clock, the picture frame, his father's watch, the date.  
  
What did it all mean though? Did it mean that she was… gone? Was she no longer… alive?  
  
She died when he was sleeping. She died when he was sleeping. She died when he was sleeping. How could he?  
  
She was probably enduring so much pain, suffering. She had lasted so long. Maybe giving up was her only way out of this cold life.  
  
She died when he was sleeping. He had failed her._]  
  
~*~*~  
  
He walked into his house, too late at night for his liking.   
  
It was eerily silent, a sure sign that Sydney had gotten Liana to sleep with the same ritual as before.  
  
He wished he had been there to see her face when it was Sydney that had gone to pick her up from the babysitter's. She had been crying for Sydney for so many nights that sometimes he didn't know what to do. He couldn't exactly call Sydney and ask her to go over to his house every single night just to tuck his daughter into bed.   
  
Her eyes probably had shimmered with happiness. He could imagine her running to Sydney and Sydney scooping her up into the safety of her arms.  
  
Just because he and Sydney were not very comfortable around each other once again did not mean that she and Liana had to feel disconnected.   
  
He saw Sydney's shoes still placed next to the door. She was still here.   
  
His heart started racing, nervousness was running through his system.  
  
He didn't see her in the outer portion of the house so he figured that she was still in Liana's room waiting for him to relieve her of her babysitting duty. Although Liana's bedroom door was open, he softly knocked on it. He didn't want to startle any of them.  
  
However, when he didn't receive an answer of any sort, he peeked his head in. Both Sydney and Liana were on Liana's bed, both asleep. Liana was lying on top of Sydney, grabbing onto both her hair and clothes, not letting her go even in sleep. As he approached both of them, he noticed that they were not covered up in a blanket.   
  
He went to his bedroom to retrieve an extra blanket.   
  
As he placed the blanket on his two angels, he noticed a dark bruise forming on Sydney's shoulder.  
  
He sighed deeply before lightly brushing the bruise with his fingers and a soft kiss. Sydney stirred a little but did not wake up. The movement caused Liana to clutch on even tighter to Sydney. Sydney's arms automatically encircled the baby.  
  
He had failed her again. As her handler, he was supposed to keep her safe. But she hadn't been safe once again. She'd been hurt on the mission. He had failed.  
  
~tbc~ 


	4. Litany

A/N: just letting you know, **demon** betaed the first 1/4 of the chapter, the rest is completely UNBETAED because I really really really really need to get going on my research paper (gah... genetic databasing and ethics... fun) I didn't even read it over, so forgive any grammar errors. (I'm pretty sure there isn't any spelling errors, I could be wrong though.) If someone wants to send me a PM with the error they noticed, I'd be glad to fix it. And so sorry for the long wait. 5 months is a long time. I know ::blush::

Thank you to:

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alias4ever: I'm glad you liked the flashback to the watch! Hehe. I was hoping that it was something different than what people were used to. Every fic just has to have that little bit of paranormal in there ;) I think the vaughn watching syd part was my favorite so far in this fic to write! Thanks for reading.

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Shayla: I'm glad you feel that some stories resolve things too quickly. It's one of my pet peeves as a fanfic reader. If the author has a great plot line, but don't go deep enough into the story so that it doesn't have a meaning, and if the characters aren't in character, then I just can't continue reading it! It drives me insane. So hopefully, things are going correctly with this fic. Sometimes though, it feels like it's going to fast. But, oh well. I'm glad you like the connection that Liana and Syd have. Thanks for reading!

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emily: lol. Thanks for reading!

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valley-girl2: wow. this is so outdated. hehe. I think the e-mail thing is going to work better. I can't believe I haven't updated her in over a month! But thanks for the e-mail to get me going. Hehe. 47:47. made you laugh? . interesting information. I remember once waking up at a hotel and not being able to see. literally. It was sunshine and bright and I didn't have anything over my eyes. I just couldn't see. Scared the hell out of me. Hehe. Now that we're done with waking up stories. hehe. Wow. you always laugh at Merde. you did that, too, in Wraith! . hehe, yes it was me. MV in jogging gear is. :D there's no other way to describe it. Glad you liked the Jack-Vaughn interaction. Hehe. so much can change over 2 years +. syd+liana+vaughn= big family. :) lol. well, you haven't died yet from the announcement of "no update anytime soon" so :P. ;) thanks for reading!

Chapter 3-Litany

"Vaughn, we need to talk."

He had always hated those words. They implied that something was wrong, and that it had to be fixed one way or another. And most of the time, it would be long and tedious.

"Hey, Syd. What do we need to talk about?" He turned around as he spoke. 

She was standing there, pale but still as beautiful as ever in his eyes. Her posture told him that she wasn't sure about something. Her body was slightly stiff, but only someone with a trained eye for detail would notice. Her muscles were tense and the alignment of her body was rigid. 

"Walk with me," she murmured, walking into the hallway to gather Liana's things.

"Where are we going?" he asked, perplexed. When serious things were about to be discussed and she was nervous, walking or running was the only cure for her extraneous energy. It was another thing about her that he had noticed over the years. It's one of the things that defined who she was, kind of like her hair tucking compulsion. 

"I was thinking the park. We can watch over Liana while she's on the play structure. We'll just circle the area." She got a small red jacket for Liana, who was sitting in front of the TV watching Dragontales. 

He nodded and grabbed a brown leather and suede jacket for himself and a blue pea jacket for Sydney. Over the past few years, some of her clothing had made its way into his home. Sometimes, it was because she just forgot to bring jackets home; other times, she knew she had to look after Liana for the night and left it for safe keeping. Often, he found himself staring at the combination of their clothes in the hallway closet. It just seemed so right. Like her clothes were meant to mix with his. The blue against the black, the brown windbreaker against the crème colored sweater. 

It was ridiculous how attached he'd become to finding her clothes in his house. Although it was something he enjoyed doing, the situation was a bit awkward.

[_"Vaughn, I mean, okay, the backpack is getting a little ridiculous," she said with a shy smile._

"What do you mean?" He could not think of any other way of transporting his clothes from his apartment to Sydney's. Her apartment had become his home in the past few weeks. Did she want me to leave?

__

"The middle drawer. It's yours." A slow smile spread across his face into a full-fledged grin when he saw where she was pointing. Can I love this woman anymore than I already do? 

__

"Yeah?" he was speechless. 

"It's just a drawer." She said it like it was no big deal. 

He was deliriously happy. Maybe the happiest he'd ever been in his life. "I'm just saying it's a great idea. "

"You sure?" 

"Uh-huh."]

"Vaughn?" she said his name softly, as if she was caressing it. She didn't want to startle him. When she got no response, she raised a hand and touched his shoulder. 

He started.

"Vaughn?" she asked again.

"Yeah, Syd?"

His daughter interrupted them in her obvious delight of going to the park. "Daddy! Are you ready?"

He looked over at his small daughter and felt a surge of love pass through him. It was the same thing he felt for Syd whenever she touched him or merely looked at him a certain way. 

"Yeah, I'm ready Liana. Let's go."

As they walked down the path to the park, Liana bounced ahead of them. She was close enough that if anything were to happen, Sydney and Vaughn would be able to get to her in time. She was also close enough to hear whatever conversation might occur between the adults. On the other hand, Liana felt free enough to run around. Syd and Vaughn would not be able to talk until they reached the playground. 

The park to which they were headed towards was where Vaughn had his first glance of Sydney's boyfriend all those months ago. In some ways, it made this occasion tainted. He saw the kiss Syd and Chris shared rewinding and playing over and over again in his head. It hurt his heart, but it also let him know that he was no long holding her back. He loved her enough to let her move on. But he was also selfish enough to keep her as his friend. It was all for the sake that she could and would be happy.

Passing by evergreen trees and picketed white fences, the 2.5 children, and the houses that lined the street, they took a left turn at the next stop sign. As the park approached, Liana's footsteps began to speed up. They passed by an old homeless Vietnam vet who was holding out a cup--he wasn't the same one that "Freelancer" used to request entry to JTF. Tucked securely around his wrist was the watch that he used to communicate with the Ops Center. 

"Liana," Vaughn called out before his daughter could run off into the sand. "We'll be walking around, okay? But if you need us, just call out."

With a nod, the little girl ran off.

Turning to Syd, Vaughn asked, "So. why do we need to talk?"

She sighed and tucked an invisible strand of hair behind her ear and forced herself to look at him directly in the eye. "Chris. wants to get married."

Vaughn felt his jaw loosen. Partially because this was the first really personal thing she'd willingly told him since she'd come back from those two missing years. And second because she was getting married. "What?" he finally choked out. 

"Chris wants to get married," she calmly repeated. Her eyes were focused on her shoes. 

"So soon? You've only been going out for eight months." he was puzzled. _Was she forcing herself to a marriage to forget her past?_ "Did he propose?" He wanted to kick himself for asking that. Their personal romantic lives had to be treaded on carefully, for they had a romantic interlude, too. But there was this burning desire to know what was going on in her life. He had been starved from hearing about her life for too long. He missed it. To be fed even a small portion of her life with him made him happy. She was looking to him for comfort, and that's all he's ever wanted. To be her comfort and friend. Being her boyfriend was just something extra, even though he still loved her. His eyes strayed to her ring finger; it was bare. 

"Yeah, he did. A week ago actually," was her hesitant answer.

"What did you say?" he prodded. _Please let her have said no. Please let her have said no. Please let her have said no. Please let her have said no._

"I said that I'd think about it. I told him that maybe we were going too fast. But I know that he loves me and that he'd take care of me."

His heart dropped in relief. "I think you're right," he responded. "If you're not sure yet, then maybe it is good to step back and think about it. If you feel like it's going too fast, tell him that you want to slow down. Don't rush into a commitment like that and regret it later."

[_"Renee! What are you doing here?" he had come home after a long day of work to find his wife back in the house after disappearing for seven months._

"I live here, Michael. Now, where's my daughter?" 

The sentence angered him. How dare she say that?

__

"You no longer live here, Renee. You walked out of here months ago without a trace. You left me to raise my daughter alone. You have no right to call her your daughter anymore. She cried at night, calling for you, and you know what I had to tell her?" He had tears in his eyes from the thought of it. 

Renee didn't answer.

"I had to tell her that I didn't know where you were. You know how many sleepless nights I tried to track you down out of some god forsaken guilt I felt? But you, you just left. For SEVEN months. You left my little girl without a mother. She won't even recognize you anymore!" he spit out the last few words. Trying to calm himself down, he took a few deep breaths while looking at the kitchen counter. He threw a glance at Renee and saw her unmoved. "Where did you go anyway?" he finally said. 

"I went to see Paul," she said quietly.

"Your old boyfriend?"

"Yeah," she said. "I'm pregnant."

He looked down at her stomach. She wasn't showing.

"You went off and got pregnant while you were married and had a child?! You can't be serious." He knew very well that she was. Reaching up, he raked a hand threw his hair and pinched his nose.

"What can I say? You were so obsessed with your little girlfriend coming back? How was I supposed to have competed against her?"

"Sydney? You're blaming this on Sydney? And a competition? That wasn't what it was and you know it. I married _you."_

"But you were still in love with her."

He acknowledged that she was right with a drop of his head into his hands and pinching his nose even further. His forehead wrinkles were out in full force. "That still didn't give you the right to run off while we had a child together."

"Look, Michael. It's obvious that we were never really compatible. But I'm back and I want to give it a second chance."

He mulled over what she'd said. There was so much he was against and therefore didn't feel as if he could do what she was requesting. "Renee, I don't think I can give you a second chance. What matters is that you left Liana without a mother. You aren't a responsible mother and you just proved that you were never really the person I knew."

A knowing look came through her eyes.

"You want a divorce."] 

What he'd said about regret was something that was spoken from his own experience. But deep in his heart, he knew it was so wrong that she said, "I think I'll think about it." He knew that if someone proposed and you knew you loved them, then it wouldn't matter the time span. It only mattered that you wanted to be with them. That was another lesson that he'd learned while he was with Renee. He'd only had the feeling of absolutely certainty once, but that had been too long ago, before Liana was born. He couldn't bring himself to ask if she returned Chris' amour. 

"Vaughn, there's something else." 

They both had long since stopped walking. Instead, they opted to stand next to a bench near a stone wall. 

He turned his head to look at her face. All he saw was a beautiful woman that he was still in love with. Her brown hair cascading around her face and framing her honey brown eyes.

"He feels that I've been spending too much time with you and not enough time with him. He says that maybe, we shouldn't see each other as much as we have been," she said with a detached air.

He knew this was coming, felt it pounding at the back of his eyes, using his retinas as drums. 

"Syd. I can't hold you back. This is ultimately your decision, but just know that Liana and I need you too. Liana would be missing out on her mother figure. She loves you, Syd. and I'd miss you too much."

Tears were threatening to trail on both adults' faces. 

He reached up to cup her face and to wipe away a tear with his thumb. She flinched a bit.

"It's your decision. If you love him and feel like this is your path, then go for it. I won't be here to keep you from moving on."

~tbc~


	5. She Flew Away

**A/N: **Thank you so much to **alias4ever**, **valley-girl2 **(thank you so much for your uplifting e-mails as well), and **sydofthesea** for replying. I'm so sorry it's been so long. Epilogue will be up tomorrow.

Thank you so much to **Jasmine** & **Angelbleu.**  
  
Big HUGE thank you to **Demon** who made me laugh when I was down. Especially with the Garfield flower. And again with the beta.

**Chapter 4--She Flew Away**

Vaughn watched Liana draw a picture. Three stick figures. One was really tall, one that stood just a few millimeters shorter, and a small one. Her family. The two larger stick figures surrounded the small one. Liana took the yellow pencil and colored the tallest one's head. Him. She took a brown pencil and scribbled on the small stick figure's head, then lightened the brown with blond highlights. Herself. Reaching for the brown Crayola pencil again, she shaded the last stick figure's head. Sydney, her mother in every sense of the word except the biological.

Liana had counted the number of days that it had been since she'd seen Sydney. Twenty. Last time they had been together, they had gone shopping. He hadn't gone. He was afraid to disrupt the time that Liana needed with Sydney; he had the chance to see her everyday in the office. Liana came home shouting her glee, went over ever single minute she spent with Sydney, and modeled the clothes she bought for her. He remembered every detail his daughter said about Sydney.

Although he wouldn't admit it to himself, he knew deep down that he was afraid to risk Sydney's happiness. And that that was the only reason why he hasn't done anything sooner to bring her back to him. He loved her enough to let her go, to be happy because she deserved it. He saw her smile, that wide smile that reached her eyes—something he doesn't see when she looks at him. He would only be happy if she was happy, even if she was with someone else. He would do anything for her. He wanted to fight against her decision to stay with her boyfriend, but it was her choice. And he always honored her choice. Liana was again waiting for Sydney to pick her up. She was already packed to go with a kid sized backpack and a blue jacket. Sydney said that she'd pick Liana up at 2:30, which was ten minutes from now.

The day in the park seemed so long ago. The days in between had passed slowly. Sydney had come two days after the walk in the park to explain things to Liana... and why she would not be as available as before. She told both Liana and him that she had decided to get married; she's always wanted the normal life.

[_"Liana... your dad and I have been talking about something... "_

_Her eyes had brightened, "Do I get a present?"_

_Sydney laughed, breaking the tension. Her laugher could always do wonders to the people surrounding her. It always lightened his mood, no matter what the situation. However, in this situation, it pained him just a little more. How many times more will he be able to hear her cheery laughter?_

"_No, Liana. It's something else." His melancholic mood clearly had an effect on his daughter. Her eyes lost their shine, and she no longer had a happy expression on her face._

"_Daddy?" she questioned, almost sorrowfully._

"_Sweetheart, why don't you come here." He reached out his arms. Liana got up and walked into her father's arms. Vaughn picked her up and sat her on his lap. "Your Aunt Sydney and I have been talking. And..." he glanced over to look at Sydney, catching the tears glistening in her eyes, "well... Sydney wants to have a family of her own. She can't stay here with us as much as we want anymore." Catching the misinterpretation that was forming in the little girl's mind, he quickly said, "She'll still be here, Liana. Just, she wants to get married..." the words almost quit forming, "to her boyfriend. And that means that Sydney needs to focus on her family now." He finished it quietly._

_The tears on Liana's face were mimicking Sydney's. With a shaking voice, she choked out, "Aunt Sydney... do you not want us anymore? I thought we were your family... was I a bad girl so now you have to go bye bye?"_

_Horrified by Liana's interpretation, Sydney grabbed the girl into a hug. "No. That's not true at all Liana. I love you. I love visiting you and your dad. But right now, I feel like I need to do something to make me happy. You're not a bad girl Liana. You're the sweetest little girl ever." She continued clutching Liana as she finished her statement. After a moment of silence and tears, she said, "I just wish that you were my little girl."_

_Unbeknownst to Vaughn, tears were streaming down his face while watching the woman he loved proclaim that he wanted Liana as her own daughter. If only that had happened. _

_Liana whispered, "But you are my mommy."_]

Walking over to the window and pulling aside the curtain he saw Syd climbing out of her car. He watched as she took off her sunglasses and pulled out her purse, locked the car doors, and put her keys away. Her engagement ring shone brightly in the winter –almost spring—sun. Calling out to his daughter, "Liana, Sydney's here. You ready to go?"

Scrambling down from her chair, Liana yelled a hurried, "Yes, daddy!" before running to the front door and eagerly opening it. Looking out, she saw that Sydney was coming to their door.

"Liana Stephanie Vaughn, you KNOW you're not supposed to open the door before I'm with you," Vaughn moaned.

"Sorry daddy. I forgot."

"I know you did, you little munchkin. I just get worried that the next time you forget someone will take you away from me."

"I guess I'm the one that's going to be taking her away from you then, Vaughn," the voice drifted in from the open door of the foyer. She walked in and clicked the door shut behind her.

He put his daughter down on the ground and looked up. "Hey Syd," he greeted, a broad smile appearing on his face as he saw her smile. "So you're gonna steal my daughter from me?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Will I get her back before I call the police?" Vaughn teased.

As Sydney opened her mouth for a retort, Liana interrupted, in a fearful voice she said, "Daddy! No police! I don't want them to take Sydney away from me! Don't daddy! Please? Don't take her away from me." She then promptly went on and latched herself to Sydney's leg.

Both Vaughn and Sydney froze when they heard Liana's plea. Kneeling down so that he was at his daughter's eye level, Vaughn said, "Liana, calm down. Please, calm down. We were just joking. No one is going to call the police on Sydney. No one. We were having a little bit of grown-up fun. Shh... calm down."

Vaughn pried her away from Sydney's leg and hand that was soothing her hair, only to bring her tight against his body. He rocked her softly back and forth, the comforting motion calming her down. Her crying finally gave way to gentle hiccups after a few minutes.

"Daddy, you promise you won't hurt Sydney?" she choked out.

"I'm very sure I won't hurt Syd, sweetheart." Vaughn glanced over to Sydney and saw the sympathetic look on her face.

"Prove it, daddy," Liana demanded.

Walking over to Sydney, he gave her an 'I'm sorry that I have to do this' look, and puller her into a tight hug. Vaughn was overwhelmed by the feeling of touching Sydney again. It had been so long since he and she had had any physical contact that lasted more than a few seconds. Maybe a few unintentional graze of her hand or the pulling back of a lock of her hair while she was sleeping. Sometimes, he even slipped in a brief sweep of his lips against her forehead. Moments like this were simply not allowed within the definition of their new relationship.

"Okay daddy, I believe you," his daughter finally said with a mischievous grin on her face.

Vaughn tickled Liana until she was giggling with laughter and screaming, "Daddy, stop! Stop daddy!" over and over again. He, however, wasn't stopping. Instead, he continued his titillation and told her, "You knew I wouldn't hurt her. You knew!" When he ceased his finger movements, Liana gasped out, "Daddy, I didn't know! I promise!"

"Then why did you have that little secret grin on your face? Huh, sweety?"

"Because you and Sydney looked so happy!" she answered, her whole face lighting up.

Sydney just looked on with a grin on her face. She loved the two of them so much, it was apparent in her eyes.

_It's_ _too late to start anything with her_, Vaughn reminded himself. _She's getting married so soon, and then, she won't be mine anymore. No. That's not right. She's never been mine since she returned._

Sensing the tension that appeared, Sydney said, "Liana, I think it's time we go."

Vaughn nodded in agreement. "Have fun, sweetheart."

"Okay. I'm ready. Bye, daddy." Liana leaned into Vaughn for a hug before grasping Sydney's fingers. She waved her other hand at Vaughn as Sydney and she left the apartment.

Vaughn woke up to the feeling of little hands exploring his face. Opening his eyes, he saw Liana leaning over him.

"Hey, sweetheart. I guess I fell asleep. Sorry. How was your time with Sydney?" He leaned over the couch side to turn on the lamp. As his eyes slowly adjusted, he covered a yawn with his hand.

"It was fun! We went to see a hockey game!"

That caught his attention. "A hockey game huh?

"Yeah! Sydney taught me what a hat trick is. She said it was when one man with the big stick in his hand shot the little black thing into the goal three times. But there wasn't a hat trick at this game," she said sadly. She brightened as she said the next part, "It was very exciting! The team with the purple shirts won."

A sound came from the kitchen. Sydney entered the living room with three glasses of water, "I can't believe your daughter has never been to a hockey game, Vaughn. I thought you would have brought her when she was just a month old!"

"Hey."

"Hey."

"When did you guys get back?" Vaughn questioned, while taking a glass from her.

Sydney scooped Liana into her arms and answered, "About half an hour. We figured that when you didn't open the door that you were either out or fell asleep. So, we just kinda... let ourselves in."

"She wouldn't let me see how she let us in. Daddy, I think Sydney has magical powers! She didn't even use a key to open the door. She used her lipstick!"

Vaughn nodded knowingly. "Well... now that I know how you guys got in here... why didn't you just wake me up? Why wait?"

"Oh, I thought you could use the sleep. You work too much, Vaughn. Dad even says you work too much and that you should have more time at home with your little girl. Besides, I wanted some more time with this one before I leave," Sydney said as Liana squirmed on her lap.

Vaughn mentally slapped himself. _She's getting married in a week!_

"So, why haven't I met Chris yet? It's only a week until your wedding!"

Sydney was silent for a moment, then turned to Liana, "Why don't you go get ready for bed, sweetheart. It was a long day for both of us."

Liana ran off to get changed and to brush her teeth.

Sydney stared at Vaughn before answering. "Vaughn... it hasn't been easy for me to move on. You know that. And I was scared of putting something from my past together with my future. It just doesn't work that way anymore—"

"So, is that what I am? The past?"

"No, it's not like that," Sydney groveled. "Why are we even talking about this now? I thought you understood what I'm doing."

"And what exactly are you doing?"

"I've moved on! I have a life now. You're still in it, but it's just not like it was, Vaughn. And we both have accepted that it never will be again."

"Have we, Syd? Because I still love you," Vaughn shouted, crying inside his heart that she never understood his love for her. And that maybe, she's never even felt it since she came back.

"You know, Vaughn. I would have rejoiced that you said that to me, maybe when I got back. But now, I see it as a low way of trying to win me back," Sydney said while picking her purse and jacket from the floor. "I think it's time for me to leave. I'll see you at work in on Monday."

"No, wait, Syd. I still have one more question. Why did you pick Chris? Why are you so ready to become Mrs. Mills?" Vaughn was scrubbing his face with his hands and then raking them through his hair. It reminded Sydney of the days in the warehouse when he was frustrated with something.

Sydney sighed, thinking before she answered, "Because he loves me, and he was there when I needed that love and support, which I couldn't find anywhere else. He's a kind man, Vaughn, and he will take care of me. Plus, he's good looking, athletic, and a doctor. I'll be fine." With a brief pause, as if considering is she should really say the next part, she barged forward, "And the most important thing is that I love him back." She looked pointedly at Vaughn.

"Syd... were you with him at the park with him at one time?"

Syd's brow wrinkled, mimicking Vaughn's, wondering why he would ask such an odd question, "No, I don't believe I've ever been to a park with him. Why?"

_Maybe it wasn't them at the park... I should have known better. She has higher standards than marrying a man with a pot belly. And, she wouldn't have let a man touch her like that in public. It had to be someone else. It wasn't them. Anyways, if she loves Chris, than he would be a good man. Maybe someone I would even be friends with later on._ "No reason," Vaughn responded, "Are you happy?" he continued with his questioning.

Sydney sighed with a bit of annoyance at his perseverance of trying to figure out who this man was that was about to take such a huge part in her life. A man who would ultimately replace him. "Vaughn, that's three questions. I think I should go." She walked over toward the door.

Little feet ran over to her from their hiding place before she could leave. "You weren't going to say good night?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Liana, I didn't realize you were still awake. You should be asleep now, sweetheart." Sydney bent down for a hug and a kiss on her cheek. "I'll see you next week. Good night now."

"Good night, Sydney. See you!" Liana exclaimed with childish abandon.

She opened the door, but looked back, "Vaughn? To answer your question... Yeah, I am happy. But not as happy as I was before those two years I was gone, but that's the way it is now. We're both different people. You had moved on, and now I've moved on. We aren't the people we were back then. And too much has happened since then. There's too much history between us. So we'll never be like that again." And with that, she was gone.

Liana felt the uneasiness in the room after Sydney left, and her father's distracted gaze told her that it was something that she'd understand when she grew up. She threw her arms up in the universal language that meant she wanted to be lifted up into her father's hold. "Daddy? What did she mean?"

Vaughn didn't answer. He just scooped up his daughter, and realized exactly what just stepped out of his life.


	6. Epilogue

**A/N: **thank you to **kate, stargirl591, alexis, lizbeth, **and **vsillyman47** for their comments. Especially on a story that's so old. Apparently, in my other update I wasn't clear that this story was a short one, maybe even an introspective piece. And so ends the story. It's a very open ended one. I'll let you draw the conclusion yourselves. :)

Once again, thank you to **demon** for the beta.

**Epilogue 3 Years Later**

_It's been a few days since I've written in here, but it's been busy. _

_Liana's been learning her multiplication tables, and as a result, I've been sitting with her after dinner reviewing each column with her. She understands the concept, which I believe is better than the rest of the kids. Just useless memorization and not understanding is a waste of time, but the fact that I finally got her to understand why multiplication is used is a huge accomplishment. However, she's slow at memorization, and every time we get to seven seven she gets lost. Her literature is above all the other kids—Sydney's influence no doubt. Her teacher made her take the CAT exam this year to determine exactly what her reading and comprehension level is. She scored in the eighth grade range, high above her teacher's expectancy level. _

_She's been growing very fast now. And with each pair of shoes we have to toss, it seems like we have to buy more clothes to fit her. She's now more conscious of what she's wearing and will not allow her "daddy" to choose clothes for her. So Sydney has been helping her with that as well. She's taken her on another trip this afternoon, which is the only reason I have enough time to write in here anymore. _

_The phone is ringing._

_I'm back. Sydney just called. She's going to bring Liana to Eric's so that she and I can have a pizza and movie night to ourselves. It's not going to be a night of Disney movies, and I think we both are going to have to live on this one night for a long time. _

_I think Sydney is getting better. The divorce has definitely had a lasting effect on her. She's sad a lot. There's this passing shadow in her eyes, the years of betrayal and no resolution taking their toll on her mind. It'll be a long time before it's gone. I still see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror. Their marriage lasted for two years. I was able to coax out the reason after letting her cry in my arms for so long. She needed a friend, and I was there. It was my chance to atone what happened all those years ago. Years of no physical contact and hidden desires gave way in a matter of days to weeks and mindless hours of holding and talking, trying to rid Sydney of the sadness that was creeping in. It was as if we broke through all the barriers too fast. And I think we did. We weren't able to heal completely, we moved too fast, again. But we slowed down a lot, too. After her weeks of guilt, we came together as friends heading on the verge of a new relationship. _

_Guilt. _

_Sadness._

_Hurt._

_Betrayal._

_They all seem so familiar to us._

_She wasn't able to cope with not telling Chris the truth about everything. Chris slowly began to uncover the fact that she didn't have any memories from June 2003 to May 2005. He knew she was a CIA agent. Although, he didn't know she was a field agent. He thought she was an officer that needed to fly around the world for meetings, sanctioning missions, making agreements with Interpol and other intelligence agencies. I wonder how she explained the bruises sometimes. He started to prod into Sydney's life. No longer trusting her. Arguments happened that she couldn't forgive. Arguments that told her that Chris thought she was not being faithful to her marriage. Insinuation was all it took for Sydney to feel hurt and betrayed. The comments that she told me revolved around, "Why do you hang out so much with Michael anyways?" There were other hurtful ones that I tried to get her to tell me. Unfortunately, they were too hurtful for her to even speak aloud. Those are the ones that will always stay close to her heart, and unless she can say them vocally, they'll cloud her judgments about us. She'll always think we're getting too close. _

_I guess part of it is my fault—the fact that she spends so much of her time trying to be a mother to Liana. I tried to tell her that she needs to spend more time with her husband, trying and hoping that she'd be able to mend things. I wanted her to be happy again, not having to feel this constant guilt and feeling of betrayal. Admittedly, there was this little nagging feeling that hoped that things would fall through, that she and I could restart our relationship again. I tried squashing it. I can't help but feel that in some way, I jinxed what happened a year later, and that when it really happened, it was because I wished too hard for it to happen. I still carry an overwhelming burden for that. I hope I'll be able to explain it to her, while we sat to eat a quiet homemade dinner together with two candles and mismatched utensils on the table, that I never wished this to happen this way. I wanted her to be happy. And I know, in that forgiving heart of hers that she'll calm me down about my fears. Erase them from my memory with a sound look. _

_But I know that we'll heal together. That's how it always happens. We can't heal ourselves without the other. We come to each other emotionally raw, we end up clinging together for life. I think this will be the process that will let us live and love fully. We'll be able to live together happily. _

_I hear the key I gave her to my apartment scratch against the key hole. I love that sound and relish it. It brings me back to all those years ago when we were together, so happy and full of life. Now, we're older, maybe a little wiser. Knowing that we can get past things together. I can't help but think that in a few minutes, we'll be sitting together on the sofa, my arm around her shoulders, scooping her into my hold and watching a romantic comedy that Carrie suggested. We'll be two divorcees that have been down a similar road, coming together once again, hoping for happiness and a life together. _

_She's calling for me to help her with the groceries. Just thinking about her brings so much to my heart. I'm still in love with her. I can't say it yet, but I know I will in the next few weeks. _

_Maybe the time to begin anew is now. And maybe this time, we both won't be lost in our loneliness, letting our guilt and suffering overshadow us. Maybe, just maybe, with grace, this will finally work out for us._

---------------------------------end------------------------------------

August 18, 2003- August 18, 2004


End file.
